Walking On Glass
by sordidheart
Summary: She was 7 years old. Old enough to choose sides.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_"Do you love your father more than anything else in all the whole world?"  
Ermengarde's mouth fell open a little. She knew that it would be far from behaving like a respectable child at a select seminary to say that it had never occurred to you that you could love your father, that you would do anything desperate to avoid being left alone in his society for ten minutes. She was, indeed, greatly embarrassed.  
"I--I scarcely ever see him," she stammered. "He is always in the library--reading things."  
"I love mine more than all the world ten times over," Sara said. "That is what my pain is. He has gone away."_

From the Book: A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett

"Row, row, row, your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream."

She got new shiny red boots and a yellow umbrella with duckies on it.

Her Daddy let her hop in the puddles. One. Splash!

Two. Splash!

Three. Splash! Splash! Splash!

"Row, row, row your boat."

She twirled her umbrella around and around. She watched the yellow duckies spin and spin, a yellow duckie blur.

She heared a quiet laugh from behind her and so she turned around.

Her Daddy was smiling at her.

She smiled back and felt the rain drops plop on her head as she stopped spinning her umbrella and held it at her side.

She opened her mouth and stared up at the gray, wet, sky.

Rain drops fell into her mouth, one, two, three.

She closed her eyes and drank the rain.

When she opened them again her Daddy was still smiling at her.

But then he looked at his watch and sighed.

"Time to go." he said.

And she felt something in her stomach drop and twist and ache.

She ran ahead of him and stopped splashing. Instead she jumped over the puddles. One, two, three.

"Don't go too far ahead." he told her.

She looked back at him. Walking so slowly. Hands shoved in his pockets.

He looked so sad.

She stopped walking then and waited for him.

When he got near enough. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly.

She didn't understand how things could change so suddenly.

She had to keep reminding herself that before her Mommy had called it had in fact been a very good day.

It had been this way for so long she had trouble even pretending it had ever been any different.

"She's soaking wet." Her Mommy said looking at her and then glaring at her Daddy.

"We...we went to the park." Her Daddy offered as explanation.

"I jumped in the puddles," she added trying to help.

_"Row, row, row your boat..."_

At that her Mommy sighed and rolled her eyes "You can't even _try_ to be a responsible parent can you Toby? Not even for two freaking days."

"She got a little wet," her Daddy said and she could tell because she was standing there he was choosing his words...very...carefully...because she was there they both were.

"She could have gotten pnemonia." Her Mommy hissed.

And it was an actual hiss. Sasha could tell. She'd seen a snake once. It had been her friend Jeremy's. "Hey Sasha wanna see something cool?" he'd asked her. And he held a little white mouse dangling by it's tale in front of the snakes hungry eyes. She remembered she had gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. She had wanted to leave but found herself unable to look away.

"Wasn't that cool?" Jeremy had asked when it was over. He must have seen her face then, white and trembling.

"Don't be such a baby." he'd said and she'd started to cry then. Jeremy's Mother had to take her home.

She pictured her Mommy like a snake. Slinking and sliding across the ground. And she couldn't stop picturing her Daddy like a little white mouse scrambling to get away.

It made her stomach hurt.

"It was my fault." she said.

"Go take off those wet clothes," her Mother said "I'll run you a bath."

"See you next week, honey." her Daddy said kissing her on the cheek.

Her Mother opened her mouth to say something "When-" she began.

"Check's in the mail." Her Father said walking out the door. Whatever the question had been. Sasha guessed that must have been the answer.

Her Mommy closed her mouth then, closed the door, and walked up the stairs to start her daughter's bath.  
He hadn't always been like this. She knew.

She sat in the warm soapy water and couldn't stop herself from thinking about it.

She was seven years old now (almost eight) and she figured she was old enough to start thinking about it.

Even though she honestly couldn't remember it ever being any other way.

"Use soap Sasha," she heard her Mother yell outside the closed bathroom door.

"I am!" Sasha said.

But she didn't reach for the washcloth.

She held the white bar of soap in her hand, staring at it.

"I'm going to check!" her Mother warned.

She was old enough to think about it and if she was old enough to think about it she was old enough to take sides wasn't she?

Her Daddy he'd been happy, he'd been _happy_, before her Mommy called.

She dropped the soap into the tub.

Watched it sink to the bottom. She waited a couple of seconds and then she dropped the washcloth too.

"There now don't you feel so much better honey? Now that you're all clean and dry?" her Mommy asked while Sasha climbed into bed.

"Uh huh."

Her Mother leaned over to tuck her in. She smoothed a strand of Sasha's hair outof her face and kissed her on the cheek.

"Sweet dreams," her Mommy said.

Then finally she left.

Sasha thought about the washcloth and the soap. Still sitting at the bottom of the tub. Unmoved from the spot where she had left them.

Her skin burned where her Mommy had kissed her.

She wiped her face off with a corned of her blanket. Untucked herself from the too-tight sheets.

And then finally she was able to fall asleep.

"Eat your breakfast Sasha."

"I'm not hungry."

"You will be if you don't eat."

"I don't like this."

"Since when do you not like oatmeal?"

"Since today."

"Okay," her Mother said putting down her coffee cup and glaring at her daughter "What is with the attitude today? Huh?"

"What attitude?" Sasha asked.

"Do not...play dumb..." her Mother began.

"Just like a snake." Sasha whispered.

"What?"

Just then they heard the bus pull up.

"We'll...talk about this later!" she heard her Mommy shout.

But Sasha knew that they wouldn't.

A memory creeped slowly into her head.

"That's your answer to everything isn't it?" her Father had said "To just run away?"

She slammed the door behind her.

"Something's happening?" Lisa lit a cigarette and inhaled. She sat on the bathroom floor. Holding the phone tighter then she meant to. The nicotine helped her to loosen her grip just a little.

"What do you mean?"

"Something's happening...with Sasha."

"What? What do you mean? Is she okay?"

"Don't panic. It's nothing physical. She's just...I don't know how to describe it...she's different Toby."

"Different how?"

"She seems angry...really angry...really angry with me in particular."

"Why? What did you do?"

And at that she got a little pissed off then, a little defensive, sat up a little straighter "Why do you just assume I did something huh Toby? Jesus Christ she's seven I didn't let her have ice cream last week because she didn't clean her room maybe that's it."

"That doesn't sound like her." Toby said in that quiet way of his.

It made something inside of Lisa's stomach tighten. She had always loved his voice. She had always liked how quiet...how gentle he was...until one day...she hadn't anymore.

"Yeah well instantaneous seething resentment doesn't really sound like her either does it Toby?" she took a long drag off her cigarette exhaled and then "I want you to come get her. For a couple of days. A week. Maybe seeing you will do her some good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." and then she was quiet she closed her eyes "I could really, really use a break right now. Please."

"Okay," he said "I'll pick her up tomorrow. After I get off work."

"How are you honey?"

"I'm fine." Sasha said smiling up at him as he took her bag.

"Have fun!" Lisa said a little too enthusiastically.

"Okay." Sasha said her Mother leaned over to kiss her and thats when Toby first noticed it, the prickling from her Mother's touch. That hadn't been there two weeks ago.

Instantaneous Seething Resentment Lisa had called it.

Lisa moved away from her daughter. And Toby noticed it then. The tired way she moved. The bags under her eyes.

"Are you smoking again?" Toby asked.

"No," Lisa told him "no of course not."

"Yes she is." Sasha said.

Lisa glared at her daughter then and Sasha climbed into her Father's car and closed the door.

"Are you okay?" Toby asked her.

"Just peachey." Lisa replied.

And he leaned over then and kissed her on the cheek. It was so sudden and unexpected.

From inside the car Sasha watched the scene with curiosity.

"Toby..." Lisa began.

"Get some sleep." he said. Then he picked up Sasha's bag from where he had dropped it, threw it into the trunk, got into the car.

Absentmindedly Lisa started to wave.

Sasha saw the gesture and ignored it she stared straight a head.

Toby smiled a little and waved at her. Then he started the car.

And Lisa found herself still waving as they drove away.

She didn't stop until they'd dissapered completely from view.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

She ran into the apartment and into her room, happily she started to jump on her bed.

He walked in carrying her suitcase "Sasha...honey?"

"I get to stay here with you now?" with each word of the question she began to bounce higher.

"I...get...to...stay...here?" higher, and higher, and higher, it made him nervous in that familiar way of parent's.

"For a little while," he said "hey stop that okay?"

She stopped her bouncing and plopped down on the bed. She smiled at him.

Her cheeks were flushed and happy and for a second he forgot about Lisa completely.

But just for a second and then it passed.

He took a deep breath "Sasha. Let's talk about Mom okay?"

Her smile faded. She stared at her shoes. "Can I watch cartoons?"

"Later. First let's talk."

She looked up at him then sighed and said "Okay."

He sat down at the end of her bed. "Well I've been talking to you Mom and she told me that you two have been having problems."

Sasha still wouldn't look at him. All her focus seemed to be on her pink, untied, sneakers.

"No, problems." she said.

Slowly Toby leaned over and pulled off one sneaker. This forced her to look at him and manage a weak smile.

He pulled off her other shoe "Don't want you to fall." he said.

They were quiet for a second and for just a second Sasha pretended that this is how it would always be. Just her and her Dad. But just for a second and then it passed.

"No problems Daddy." she said.

"Mommy seems to think you're mad at her." Toby replied "Are you saying she misunderstood?"

Now in her shoeless feet Sasha began to fidget and she bit her bottom lip. She wasn't really sure how she could possibly explain this to her Father. How mad she was at her Mother. For leaving her Father all alone. For changing everything. And how she was just now starting to realize that her life didn't have to be this way. Only bits and pieces of her Father. Him with his sad eyes. She was only now starting to understand that it didn't _have_ to be this way. her Mother, her Mommy, had made it this way. She was only now starting to realize that and it made her chest hurt.

It hurt to be so angry at her Mother all the time.

And she couldn't make her Father understand that. She didn't have the words to make him understand.

And besides he wasn't mad at her Mother he never had been...no matter how much he liked to pretend. So how could he ever understand?

"She misunderstood." Sasha said. She had been looking at her socks but now she was looking at her Father.

"I'm not mad at Mommy. Can I go watch TV now?" she asked.

He would have said no but there was a look in his daughter's eye, like getting away from him and the conversation they were having was very, very important to her and if he didn't let her leave at that second she would cry.

And had never been the kind of parent who could make his child cry. They'd have a whole week to figure out The Lisa situation. So he let her go.

"Yeah," he said "okay."

And she ran out of the room quickly before he could change his mind.

He stare at her retreating figure and when she was completely gone he sighed and laid down on his back on her bed.

He held her right shoe in his hand and watched the ceiling fan turn lazily.

Suddenly he was very tired.

Sasha had turned the TV on in his bedroom and he heard some kind of loud explosion.

"Nothing violent..." he mumbled "watch something nice."

He hadn't really believed Sasha had heard him. But all of a sudden the explosion went away.

_"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea...?"_

He didn't remember closing his eyes, or his breath growing even.

But all of a sudden it was five years earlier. He had a house. He was coming down the stairs. But he wasn't really walking down the stairs. It was more like he was...gliding...floating?

And then he was in the kitchen.

Sasha was in a high happily munching on cheerios.

Lisa was staring at her looking sleepy and serene holding a cup of coffee in a worn out purple bathrobe she would discard for a red silk one two years later.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," he replied.

He looked over at Sasha and smiled.

"Look at us," Lisa said grinning "all domestic and pleasant."

"Yeah." he said.

She looked into her coffee and then looked up at him "Cherish this. It won't last forever. You never learned to cherish things did you Toby? You never learned to hold on to things not really."

"What?" he asked "What did you say?"

"I said," she stood up yawning and began to walk up the stairs "change Sasha for me. I have to take a shower. I haven't had one in like two days I reek."

"What is it about having kids and never getting to shower?" she said running up the stairs.

He opened his eyes then.

It took a second for his eyes to focus in the now pitch black room but soon he was able to make out the glowing red numbers on Sasha's digital clock.

8:45.

"Jesus..." he mumbled. He had fallen asleep in a very uncomfortable position and now his neck hurt.

He walked into his room still gently rubbing it.

And there was Sasha. Passed out on his bed. Remote control still clutched in her tiny hand. The glow of the TV on her face.

He picked her up gently, carried her into her room, and tucked her in.

He kissed her on the forehead.

"Goodnight honey," he whispered.

"Hmmm?" she mumbled and then was silent.

He walked into his room, took off his shoes, and crawled into bed.

Usually he would stay up until at least eleven watching whatever was on. But he had to get Sasha up for school in the morning.

So he turned off the TV and withing moments he was asleep.

And this time it was even deeper and dreamless.

And that was how they spent the first day.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Each breath felt like a kick to the chest she had gone almost a year without any real exercise add to that the sudden reemergence of her massive chain smoking and she couldn't even begin to comprehend what the fuck she had been thinking. The only answer that made any sense was that with the sudden break from parenting her mind had decided it was time for her to go insane.

She had decided to take up jogging.

"Come on slowpoke! Time to catch up!" Her neighbor and (former) best friend Kristen yelled at her from where she was already far, far ahead and was yet to have broken a sweat, former best friend because after subjecting her to this kind of torture Lisa was beginning to think their eleven year friendship was on seriously thin ice.

"If...you...don't...stop...being...so...goddamn...chipper...I'm...gonna..._kill_ you..." Lisa huffed and puffed as she struggled to keep up with her friend.

"Hey!" Kristen shouted running over to her friend and putting her hands on her hips. "You asked _me_ to help _you_. Remember? "Oh Kris, I am so out of shape please help me to lose this gross disgusting excess fat so that I can finally start dating like a normal person and have some kind of a life. A life possibly like yours which I so envy."

A strand of long sweaty brown hair had fallen into Lisa's face she blew it out of the way and glared up at her friend, she had been leaning over to catch her breath.

"I did not say that."

"Well...you were thinking it."

Lisa sighed, she was incredibly thirsty and every muscle in her body ached.

"Let's take a break." she said.

"But we've still got one more mile..." Kristen began.

"Let's take a break," Lisa walked over to a park bench and sat down "now."

Kristen stood for a second watching the sweaty mess that was Lisa, shrugged her shoulders, and sat down.

Lisa had her eyes closed and was breathing slowly trying to regain the will to move.

"So..." Kristen asked standing up again so she could begin to stretch "how's life without the tiny one?"

Lisa opened her eyes slowly then closed them again "She'll be back in a week."

Kristen finished her stretching and sat back down "That wasn't an answer to my question."

"I'm aware of that." Lisa said. her arms resting on her legs she sighed loudly leaned forward and opened her eyes.

"It's...okay. I guess."

"Really?"

"It's weird...I'm use to having her around."

"Still the free time must be nice." Kristen took a sip of the water she had been carrying with her.

Lisa looked over at her friend and blinked. "Umm...I'm cleaning more I guess."

Kristen took a longer sip of her water and stared at her friend. Slowly she handed over the bottle and Lisa took it gratefully.

"Are you okay? You seem sort of out of it."

Lisa took large sips of water seeming to ignore her friend.

"Lisa? Hey Lisa! Stop drinking so fast, you'll get sick."

At that second Lisa began to choke she leaned forward coughing up water.

Kristen began to pound her hard on the back. "Are you okay? Jesus, I warned you."

Lisa finished her coughing spell and ran her fingers through her damp hair.

"You're not okay?" Kristen asked her "Are you?"

"You know it's funny..." Lisa began "all this time I had myself so fucking convinced that I was a good mother...better then _my_ Mother at least...that Sasha and I were...I don't know close? But I guess I was wrong. I mean I must have done something. But I thought I really thought that I'd covered all the bases...I thought that Toby and I had made things...as easy as they could be...for her."

"She's getting older..." Kristen said shrugging "she's going to go back and forth between Mommy and Daddy her whole life."

"Yeah but that's not how it was suppose to be!" Lisa said looking over at her friend and growing annoyed "I never...I never wanted her to choose okay? I know lot's of Parent's say that and they don't mean it but I did!" She buried her face in her hands "I never wanted her to choose."

"Or maybe..." Kristen said as if she were thinking out loud "you just never thought she'd choose him..."

Lisa looked up then slowly with eyes that could look right through you "Why am I friends with you?" she asked.

The realization of what she'd said hit Kristen suddenly "Oh god I didn't mean..."

And Lisa jumped up then suddenly and began to run again.

"Lisa!" Kristen began to follow her yelling after "I didn't mean...I'm sorry!"

But Lisa was already far, far ahead of her, chasing something Kristen could not see.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

At school the day after she had gone to stay with her Daddy they had a spelling test and a substitute teacher.

She was younger than Mrs. Carver which was the first thing Sasha noticed and she wore a white blouse, and a dress pants, and a long pearl necklace that Sasha wanted to touch very badly it was so pretty.

"Hello my name is Ms. Morgan and I'll be your sub for the next couple of months while Mrs. Carver gets ready for her new baby okay?" she wrapped her pearls around her fingers while she talked, she smiled at them like she really meant it, and she looked so nervous Sasha could tell, and kind.

She had eyes like her Daddy and very pretty hair.

Sasha liked her instantly.

"Okay," Ms. Morgan said letting go of her necklace and clapping her hands "so let's start with roll call and then we can take the spelling test Mrs. Carver left for us okay?"

Brittany Miller who sat behind Sasha and who was always borrowing her pencils and never giving them back glared at the new Teacher and then kicked the back of Sasha's chair.

"Hey," she said "hey!" in a loud whisper.

Sasha turned around "What?"

"Let's switch." Brittany said.

"What?"

"When she calls my name you raise your hand and when she calls your name I'll raise my hand."

Sasha blinked her eyes and was confused "Why?" she asked.

And Brittany rolled her eyes and said as if it was so obvious "Because it'll be funny."

"Yeah!" Sarah who sat next to Sasha and was her best friend heard this and laughed "Do it Sasha!"

"But..." Sasha began the whole thing just seemed so dumb to her and kind of mean.

"Oh come on," Brittany said "it'll be _fun._"

And Sasha was reminded of something (of _someone_ actually...)

"Oh _come on_ Toby," her Mother had so often said...

She shook her head at Brittany and said "No. I don't want too."

By now Ms. Morgan was already halfway through roll.

"Bryan Spring?" she said...

Brittany glared at Sasha "Oh you're just a chicken." she said.

"I'll do it!" Sarah said happily. And Brittany beamed at her. New best friends. Instant friends.

"Brittany Miller?" Ms. Morgan called.

And Sarah raised her hand.

And their were giggles all around.

Ms. Morgan looked around confused for just a second and then went back to roll.

Two more names and then "Sarah Newman?"

And Brittany stuck her tongue out at Sasha and raised her hand and their were even more laughs this time.

And after roll was over Brittany looked at Sasha with this look of total satisfaction and Sasha couldn't shake the feeling that something else had just happened, something bigger then some stupid trick.

All day she couldn't shake it.

And then at lunch Sarah sat with Brittany instead of her.

And then at recess Sarah played with Brittany instead of her.

And Sasha couldn't understand what had happened...she couldn't grasp it.

Because how could Sarah like Brittany all of a sudden more than her?

Play with her instead?

Eat with her instead?

Because of Sasha hadn't wanted to play a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, trick on the Teacher?

But Brittany was...Brittany was _mean._

After recess while Sasha walked to her desk Ms. Morgan smiled at her.

And then soon it was three o'clock and while Sasha was putting on her coat Sarah decided that they were talking again and ran over to Sasha.

"Brittany invited me to her sleep over on Friday!"

"Um...that's nice." Sasha said.

"It'll be fun!" Sarah squealed.

Sasha shrugged and grabbed her backpack "I'm not invited." she said.

"Oh," Sarah said and she seemed to think about this "well I could talk to Brittany and maybe she'll invite you."

"I don't want to go to her stupid party," Sasha said looking at her friend "I don't like Brittany."

"Well," sarah said looking at Sasha and looking mad "_I_ like Brittany. She's fun. She's funny."

"She's stupid," Sasha said "and she's mean."

At this Sarah glared at Sasha even harder and once again Sasha couldn't shake the feeling that something had changed.

"I don't think I can come to your house on Saturday." Sarah said "I don't think my Mom will let me."

"Fine." Sasha said.

And in that instant Sasha hated Sarah. It was so easy it almost scared her. But it was just like it had been that day in the bath.

It was like she was seeing Sarah for the very first time.

And Sarah was the kind of person who thought making someone look stupid was funny.

Sarah was the kind of person who thought someone like Brittany who kicked Sasha's chair and stole her pencil's was fun.

And would rather be her friend than Sasha's.

"Fine." Sasha said again and Sarah began to walk away and out of the classroom.

And just as she walked by Ms. Morgan Sasha yelled out loudly "Bye Sarah!"

And Sarah froze. And Sarah flinched. And Sarah looked up at Ms. Morgan with scared rabbit eyes.

And Ms. Morgan crossed her arms and smirked, not nervous anymore.

"Sarah, huh?" she said.

And Sarah ran out of the classroom and away from Ms. Morgan who smiled at Sasha as she walked by.

And Sasha waved at Ms. Morgan.

And then walked outside to meet her Dad.


End file.
